“Alexa, Why Can’t you be Really Useful?”

General

When will these digital assistants such as Alexa really find some use in the home? It’s impressive but not terribly useful if you ask her for the latest weather conditions outside when you could quite easily get up out of your chair and have a look through the window. I know this tech is still developing but at the moment it feels like more of a ‘wow, I can speak to it, that’s cool!’ novelty than having any real value.

And of course, whatever Alexa or Siri or Google decide to tell you is based on a set of pre-programmed principals set by those organisations. Who can say what those rules actually are, or that they are completely impartial, honest, balanced  responses.

What would be more useful than re-ordering toilet roll is if the chat agent were able to conduct a meaningful conversation with its owner. Perhaps a never-tiring, willing conversationist could help the elderly, lonely person feel less isolated:

“Mr Dremmell, are you awake? Tell me about that time in the war when you single-handedly defended your position for eight days without any backup?”

“Well I’m glad you asked me about that, Alexa. It was the summer of ’44 and I had been assigned to potato peeling duty at the advance base camp. Little was I to know that…”

Of course, the device would need to keep making “oh yes” or “of course” type noises during the recounting  for a genuine interaction but with the increasing capabilities of artificial intelligence, this could develop over time.

For the immobile there must be an opportunity for home care and independence:

“Alexa, I’ve just had an accident and soiled myself”

“Don’t worry, Mrs Tabour, I’ve requested a visit from your care organisation and they have advised me that your carer will call sometime between [pause while the system accesses the cleanup team’s schedule] 8am and 4pm [pause again to update] next week on Tuesday. Will this be ok for you? In the  meantime, would you like me to order you more disposable underwear or air freshener? There’s a special offer on that sea breeze flavour you like at the moment.”

 

Are you Being Apprenticed?

TV

I always enjoy The Apprentice on BBC One and not just for the obvious reasons of:

  • Industrial strength eyebrow threading (and not just for the girls)
  • Outrageous CV claims that would get laughed out of the first-look, pre-interview round in any genuine recruitment process
  • Unprecedented incompetence levels in even the simplest of tasks which make Laurel & Hardy routines involving wallpapering and paste buckets look like polished professionals
  • Lord Sugar’s gritty impression of a scowling walnut getting grittier and scowlier by the series

but also (more genuinely) for:

  • The fantastic aerial photography as the camera swoops and pirouettes over the London skyline
  • The high production values and use of music to build tension and emphasise the hilarity element of a candidate’s comical toil

After watching ten series now I still find it puzzling that we never see the PA’s lips (or even her mouth) move when she utters the weekly mantras “you can go through to the boardroom now” or “Lord Sugar will see you now”. This must be a budgetary issue. They probably got a voiceover artist to record the phrases once at the start of series 1 and they get reused in the soundtrack of each episode to save money by employing non-speaking-part actors. Good use of the licence fee.

PA at desk
“I only get a non-speaking-part rate”

Another thing which puzzles me is why they chose to stage Lord Sugar’s entry to the boardroom in the same style as the scene in Independence Day when Dr Oakun is possessed by the alien being he’s performing an autopsy on. Obviously Lord Sugar is not possessed by an alien when he enters the boardroom and he does so in a much less violent fashion than Dr Oakun’s appearance at the smoke-filled laboratory’s window. For once – maybe in the series finale –  I’d like to see him emerge and gasp “no peace” in a possessed entity-type voice just to see Nick and Karren’s reaction.

IMG_0125 9943e9e10eff9186349877e37151dd58-0
LS: “[splutter] Peace? No Peace! [bleurgh]” Mr President: “Dr Oakun? Why are you looking at me all funny?”

There are also similarities between some of the programme elements and the 70s sitcom Are You Being Served?

Use of the Telephone

Lord Sugar’s stuttering technique when he calls the actor pretending to be his PA  is almost identical to Mr Grace’s vague, rambling telephone usage. Of course, LS does not have the need of a well-endowed nurse on resuscitation duty in case of cardiac arrest.

IMG_0129 tve1339-45-23
LS: “Could you… erm send in the candidates please” Mr Grace: “Erm.. is that you Rumbold?”

Response-Reply

Just as it used to be at school (Teacher: “Good morning class” Class [mumbling in unison]: “Good morning Mr Savile”) for some strange reason the same ritual is played out every week in The Apprentice, as if it were a catchphrase from  “Are You Being Served?”. Unfortunately,  you’d be highly unlikely to hear Lord Sugar utter the immortal line “You’ve all done very well!”

IMG_0053 young-mr-grace
Lord Sugar [with scary smile]: “Good morning”
Candidates [mumbling in unison]: “Good morning Lord Sugar”		 Mr Grace [feebly]: “You’ve all done very well!”
All: [mumbling in unison]: “Thank-you Mr Grace!”